OK now that I've defined it, I guess I'll tell y'all (I'm not southern I just love that word LoL) some of the things these disorders make me feel.
Obviously, I'm very uncomfortable when there's a lot of people around that I don't know. Actually, even if there's a bunch of people that I do know, I'm still uncomfortable. I feel like they're thinking bad things about me or that I look stupid or that I'm the only one that doesn't belong. Being fat obviously doesn't help this. And yes, I am really fat, overweight, whatever, I'm not just like every girl who thinks she's fat but really not. There's no way I'd say my weight on here LoL but according to my BMI I'm obese. I'll just say that. And I do not have a significant amount of muscle weight sooooo yeah. Anyway, being in such a big school now is kind of like torture sometimes. My 2 classes that I have on campus are both in huge 450-seat lecture rooms so I sit in the very front so I can't see all the people behind me. I also sit on the very end, by the door. I guess so I can escape easily? Before I even realized that I did this, I did it. Sat by the door, on the edges of the room.
Class isn't the worst part though. The worst part is walking in the building & having to walk past all the people sitting there. Um ok lemme try to explain that better. First of all, I'm always obsessively early. I guess I always wanna be the first to walk in so people don't look at me. So when I get there I hafta sit out in the area outside the classrooms where there's a buncha chairs & some benches where there's always people-quietly-sitting. There's occasionally a chair left & I grab it cuz the benches are super uncomfortable. But this whole act of walking into that room or whatever you wanna call it & having to look around & walk to the chair & take my coat off & sit down & get situated.....omg it's horrible. My heart just started to race just thinking about it.
I've had Social Anxiety for a long time and it was really bad before but I take Paxil for it & it's definitely helped. LoL believe me, I used to be a lot worse. The fact that I can even go to school is amazing. Unfortunately there's no drug therapy for Avoidant Personality Disorder & that's the really hard one....
Every time I read the diagnosing criteria it still amazes me how much it descibes me. (1) Avoiding situations because of a fear of rejection--I am TERRIFIED of rejection. I know, a lot of people are afraid of it but, like, with my last boyfriend, I would never even try to kiss him first because I was afraid he'd reject me. After a year or 2 of being together. (2) I've said since high school that I can't take a chance unless I absolutely know someone likes me. Because of the whole fear of rejection. (3) I don't think I'm ever afraid of being shamed or ridiculed in a relationship. If I really get to know someone, I can pretty easily be myself. (4) Preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social sitiuations. Well, obviously. LoL (5) Feeling inadequate. Lately, I've been thinking about being in a new relationship (I haven't had a bf in almost 5 years. The last one wasn't exactly the best relationship. Add my fears onto that aaaaaaaaaaaand.....) and I just keep thinking I have nothing to offer anyone. I also have trust issues but that's a whole different story. (6) Socially inept, personally unappealing, inferior to others. Ooohhhhh my. I didn't realize this til I was in my 20s but I always kinda chose people I felt superior to in one way or another to be my friends. Because there are so many people I feel inferior to. I'm very uncomfortable around people I feel inferior to. I feel like they know & they're judging me. (7) Unusually reluctant to take risks or engage in new activities because they may be embarassing. Well, being embarassed is like the cornerstone of SAD so yeah.
When I was in elementary school I used to blush all the time. Every time the teacher called on me. And just sometimes outta no where. It was horribly embarassing.
One of the worst things of these disorders for me is the way they've affected my relationship with my brother. If you read my earlier post on being fat, you'll see that he used to call me "Fattie" which so many people say is just "normal" sibling taunting but it always stuck in my head. Well, one of the features of APD is hypersensitivity to negative evaluation. Obviously, no one knew this when I was a kid. It's just that the bad always sticks out more than the good, ya know? And I just don't remember that much from my childhood. I remember crying at the dinner table. A lot. Because someone hurt my feelings. OK getting off point here. Me & my brother have never exactly been close & that always bothered me. I always felt like siblings were just supposed to be close. Then finally when I was crying about it for the millionth time, my mom explained to me that just because we're siblings that doesn't mean we have to be close, like her & her brother aren't. So that helped that except that now-& I really don't know why-I overanalyze every single thing he says to me. I drive myself insane. I really only text him, like I do with most people. The only people I'm comfortable talking to on the phone are my parents. But every single message he sends me (or doesn't send) I'm always wondering what he's thinking. Is he annoyed that I texted him? Does he think I'm just some hopeless loser? When he doesn't answer it's 100x worse. Then I'm sure I've annoyed him & I picture him checking his phone, seeing it was me, & getting mad & being like why is she texting me? I know, it's weird. I know it doesn't make sense. A lot of things in my head don't.
OK I think it's time for breakfast now. Yeah, it's like 3 but I didn't get up til 1:45. Bye for now.
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