I'm a Dumbass

I worry all the time how I'm making people feel. Sometimes obsessively. Sometimes I'll do or say something & it'll replay in my head over & over & over & over & I can't stop it. I overanalyze to the point of insanity. Why am I bringing this up? I'll tell u....

First, I guess I'll explain my $$ situation. I think it's prolly needless to say that I'm not exactly great at managing $. If I have it, I'll spend it. I love Old Navy passionately & shop there (online, of course) pretty much whenever I have extra $, which is about 3-5x a year. I watch the TLC show Hoarding: Buried Alive & it scares me becuz I see a little of myself in some of those people who compulsively shop. I dunno what I'd do if I had $ all the time. But anyway, I think part of my desperate want for stuff is that I can't just go out & buy stuff whenever I want. If I go to Walmart & buy a whole bunch of stuff I get that little shopping high that so many people get. I love new stuff. And then I can't go shopping again for another 3 or 4 or 5 months. I don't have a job so there's no $ coming in that way. I get $ for school & that's pretty much what I live off of. But as soon as the checks come in, I give them right to my dad cuz I can't be trusted with em. Then he gives me some every month to pay my bills & buy food & stuff. I always run out of food early but hey what are u gonna do? Get a job? Hahahahaha. Ummm....

I have Medicaid, thank God. They really piss me off sometimes but without it, I'd be totally fucked. That's kinda an excuse for me not to have a job. It's pretty fucked up actually. The income limits & stuff. I was getting food stamps but if you're in school, u hafta be working at least 20 hrs a week to get em. So u can either be doing nothing or be doing both. Or just have a job. Pretty fucked up right? Way 2 discourage people from going 2 school.

I digress....OK the reason I'm a dumbass is cuz I paid my phone bill b4 all my $ cleared & could possibly have gotten an overdraft fee (again-I've gotten them many times & I'm REALLY trying hard not to anymore). I paid my other bills then thought, "OK I'm not gonna pay my phone bill til the $ clears." cuz I had about a week left til it was due. Then the next day, I completely 4got all that & paid it. STUPID!!!! Then later that night I remembered & started shitting my pants. My parents get really mad when I get OD fees & I reeeeeally didn't wanna have my dad yell at me again cuz no one can make me feel shittier than he can when he's mad at me. So I called my dad & told him what happened & asked him for $25 to make sure it was all covered.

So back to my point of how I make people feel. I worry all the time that my dad feels I only call him when I need $. I hope this isn't true. I mean, I don't have much to talk 2 him about-I usually talk with my mom-but I try to call sometimes & just talk to him so he knows I don't only call when I need $. The problem with my dad is he's a morning person; I'm totally not. He drives a school bus so he goes to work, comes home, then leaves again. Then when he's home at the end of the day he's pretty much done talking on the phone. Unless it's to my brothers or aunt or uncle about some stupid sports thing. So I only have about a 4 hr window every day & 1/2 the time I'm not even up til he's already left again.

I also worry how I make my friend Grace feel. She's my best friend, my only friend. We pretty much only text. She has a busy life & we both prefer to text. But sometimes I don't know what to say when she's having a problem & I worry she thinks I don't care or something.

I wanna help people. Ironic, right? I wanna help people that deserve it. Yeah, I know that sounds kinda bad or whatever. But I don't wanna help some child molester or serial killer who would never change or not even want help. I know I need to fix myself first. It's just so damn hard.