MDD

OK so I love acronyms. As anyone with Major Depressive Disorder probably knows, even when you're on meds & in therapy, u can still have depressive episodes, which really sux. I am having such an episode. I guess I could say it started Monday but it got bad 2day. I don't really know why. U rarely do. But for one, my mom's not here 4 me to talk to cuz my parents are in stupid Africa again. And things with my brother aren't exactly great & I usually talk to him a little more when my parents are gone.

I thought my fridgerator was broken 2day & I think that's maybe when it started. I just hadta deal with my landlord-who I do not like-becuz my water heater broke then I thought I was gonna hafta deal with him again & he seriously would've blamed me if the fridge was broken. He would've acted like he was joking but he wouldn't really be. I could not deal with his crap again so soon. Fortunately, it wasn't broken but when I was totally stressing thinking it was, I couldn't call my mom or dad or text my brother....I felt so completely alone. And I like to physically be alone but this was different. There was just no one I could freak out to.

Then it probably didn't help that I watched this thing on panic disorder and the chick reminded me of myself a little and the way her family was talking to her was just pissing me off. Her one son said he felt like she was "over exaggerating" which isn't even a word, stupid. But I get really aggravated when people who have never experienced mental illness think it's not real or that people do it for attention or shit like that. And sure, some people do. But most don't.

What I wouldn't give to be "normal". Having mood swings & panic attacks & being afraid of everything isn't fucking fun. I know it's hard on people around the person who has problems but that person most likely feels guilty already for what she's/he's doing to everyone they love, like that mom. And saying all that shit is NOT gonna make it any better. There's no "snapping out of it". It takes time & work & setbacks & a lot of shit.

Obviously, I've had depressive episodes b4 but that doesn't make each one any easier. When you're in one it just feels like nothing will ever get better & nothing is worth it & why should u care anyway? And then when it's over it's (hopefully) like, God, did I really feel like that? I just cried & cried 2day & I'm not even sure why. I just really wish I could talk to my mom & this shit with my brother is really getting to me. And having a fucking headache every fucking day doesn't help either. I also now feel like every day is a count down to th.......r..t..........I can't say it. I only have 1 year left til that # it's really damn scary. Great my headache's coming back...