Life Sux

This whole "situation" has gotten so fucked up. I don't really feel like going in2 details but instead of getting better, it's just gotten worse. When this 1st happened in March, everyone was on my side, knowing what they did was fucked up. Now suddenly, I'm the one at fault. I feel like no one is ever on my side. That's why it was so great to actually have my parents acknowledge that I didn't do anything wrong cuz that rarely happens. But now since I'm still mad about it, it's all on me & I'm "causing tension in the family." I can't even express how much it fucking pisses me off when my mother sez that. Like I'm this huge fucking problem. That's all I ever do is cause problems. And I get mad at her & all she sez is "Oh, why now?", like she doesn't even care any more if I'm mad. She'll never try to talk to me when I'm pissed. Sure, I prolly wouldn't respond or I wouldn't be nice but would it be so fucking hard to just TRY??? Does anyone in the entire fucking world care if they don't talk 2 me?????? Yes, Grace does. She's the only one apparently. I'd be lost without her. I might be dead without her actually. She needs me & my babies need me but they're the only ones. The only ones who have kept me alive. I'd actually rather be dead. But unfortunately, I believe what Sylvia sez that if I killed myself I'd just end up right back in this hellhole with the same circumstances & hafta do it all over again. I'm NOT living another fucking life on this Earth. I dunno why the hell I was stupid enough to come back again this time. I really wish I hadn't. If you're not spiritual or don't believe in heaven or reincarnation u prolly think I'm crazy, & ur right, I am but not cuz of those beliefs.

I'm dying for an app't with Elizabeth. She has a lotta clients so I hadta wait a long time this time. I go on Friday. This fucking shit is like running my life right now. I was watching SNL a minute ago & laughing at it & I realized I hadn't laughed in days. That's really weird 4 me. I laugh at everything. But this fucking shit with my brother I just can't take it. He insists it was his idea. And knowing (thinking) it was him hurts even more. I'm not supposed 2 take that personally??? I'm paranoid????? Oh, he wanted to take a trip with his wife. This wasn't some goddamn fucking random trip. They were going to meet my niece for the 1st time. That was FUCKED UP & they don't even think they did anything wrong. He doesn't seem to get that. We weren't going to fucking Darien Lake or camping or some shit, which I'd never do anyway. Yeah, I got to go by myself. So not the point. When he told me that he didn't know I was gonna end up going & neither did I. Sure, maybe I hold grudges a little too long, but that's not gonna change anytime soon.

Sometimes I really think all my mom cares about is appearances. As long as everything looks fine on the surface, is doesn't matter. What matters to me is the TRUTH. There is NOTHING more important in the world 2 me than the truth. Honesty. And I didn't even realize that til my 1st serious bf started lying 2 me all the time. It's definitely true that u don't know what u have til it's gone. My last 2 bfs lied 2 me aaaaaaaaaaall the time. It made me realize how important honesty is.

I was reading something in Psychology Today about how a lot of researchers falsify their data & I was shocked. I guess I still have some naivety in me. I don't understand why, if you're testing something, trying to learn something, figure something out, why you would then lie about the results. I wanna go in2 research & I would never, never do that. I don't care if I don't like the outcome, I wanna know how things really are & I would never deprive other people of that.

I have so much anger right now & I just don't know what to do about it.