Obstacles

I'm a well-known pussy. I'm afraid of everything & everyone. So when I finally get the balls to do something, it's kind of a big deal for me. I made a list of (small?) goals with Elizabeth to try to accomplish. Then we decided on 3 things I should do. Baby steps. I had to call & make a dentist appointment, call apartments so I can get out of this hell hole of a neighborhood, and start trying to eat better & use the treadmill. As hard as getting off my ass to use my treadmill & not stuffing my face every day is, calling places is like 10x harder for me. I don't really know why. I just don't like talking on the phone & if I have to call someplace to make an appointment or get information, even if I have the whole conversation rehearsed in my head like crazy, sometimes I just freeze when I hear a voice on the other end of the phone. I know, it's weird cuz they can't see me & in person I don't get nearly as nervous. So I procrastinate & procrastinate & procrastinate til it's a year later & I've only gone & seen 1 apartment & I'm still in freakin Lovejoy. But when I finally do decide to call places, it seems like so often, something happens where I'll hafta call back or something doesn't work out. It's like the universe is laughing at me saying, "Ha ha now you hafta do it again, dummy." Like I finally called a new doctor to make an appointment cuz I'm changing my primary. But their computers were down so I hafta call back tomorrow. I finally call the dentist but she's not there on Tuesdays. I finally call apts but they're already taken or they're too much $.

When I have this list of things to do, I really get overwhelmed. Even if everything on it is some small thing. I pretty much like having nothing to do, even tho I've been getting bored lately, which totally sux. I wish I could just snap my fingers & grow up & be responsible but unfortunately it doesn't work like that. Like Elizabeth keeps saying, I'm a hard case, I'm oppositional-defiant, it's gonna take a lot of hard work to change. But I really want to. As much as I love sitting around in my pajamas all day....