"John"

I was watching Celebrity Rehab & Janice Dickinson started talking about something that happened to her & it made me realize how much I need to get this out even tho I'm pretty sure it's not gonna help me much, if at all. It just makes me feel so alone.

This is the story of "John".

"John" is not his real name but to protect his identity I've changed it to something nice & common. Whenever I talk about this, I call it "The 'John' Thing". I guess I don't really know what else to call it. The Time I Barely Remember But Has Permanently Traumatized Me? That Shit That Happened When I Was An Age That I'm Not Even Sure Of? Anyway.... (breathing.....) John is someone who I am close to. When we were young something happened. I don't remember how old I was-I think somewhere between 6 & 9-but I remember I had these Smurf pajamas that were hand-me-down. If I ever saw those pajamas again I think I'd have the worst panic attack of my life. But anyway, John was 3 years older than me. I don't remember how this started but somehow we ended up experimenting (??) on each other. I'm assuming he saw some kind of porn somewhere & wanted to know what the big deal was about. I, being as young as I was & him being a person I loved & trusted, went along with it. Even liked it. That makes me cringe & it feels like someone is stabbing me in the stomach when I say that. But there it is. I didn't know any better. I have a vague memory of him saying not to tell anyone but I can't be totally clear on that. I remember very little (THANK GOD) but the little things I do are pretty specific & haunt my brain & pop in there at random occasions, whenever it feels I need some torture. I have no idea how long it went on for or how many times, I'm assuming because my brain is trying to protect itself. I also don't remember when I realized this was "wrong". I put wrong in quotes because.......well I guess because it wasn't some malicious, violent act that was forced upon me. But it was still, well, not normal.

This has been very confusing & angering for me. Confusing because this person is someone I love & want to be happy. Angering because it seems to have affected my life so greatly & his not at all. Which makes it more confusing because I want him to be happy so why would I want it to affect him?? I also feel that no one understands this. I would not describe this incident(s) as being molested. Yes, sexual things happened, but they were not forced upon me. It would be easier if I could hate him & blame him & if it was some horrible, forceful thing. Then there'd be support groups & other people who understood & I could lay all the blame on him.

I've found out that at least 2 people I know have gone through something similar. Except it didn't affect them like it has me. WTF is wrong with me??? I don't know how much different my life would've been if this had never happened bit I'm willing to bet a lot. The things I've done & the way I am are like the typical signs of an abuse victim. Except I'm not. So where do I fit? I don't really care about fitting, I just want someone to UNDERSTAND!!!!! I feel like the only person in the world this has ever happened to that has been so profoundly affected by it. And I don't know why. I wish I could be like those other people I know & brush it off as childhood experimentation, like it probably was. I don't know why I can't & just like Janice was saying, I'm afraid that I will never get over this. Cuz it's already been at least 20 years. I just don't know if I should even bother trying anymore.