South Beach

I started South Beach 2day. So far, I have cheated with a whole shitload of chocolate covered coffee beans. I ate them more becuz I was so damn tired than for my desire for chocolate & they didn't even wake me up at all. But other than that delicious mishap, I did pretty good. It's weird eating more than once a day.  For some strange reason, I have confidence in this. I don't really like to have confidence in anything so I can avoid disappointment. But this just feels different. I'm not gonna be too optimistic tho cuz I feel like when I'm optimistic about anything I'm always let down. I just wanna sleep better & feel better & stop worrying that 1 day I'll get diabetes & stop looking at myself in pictures wondering who the hell that fatass is. I obviously will not say what I weigh but I've stayed at this weight for about a year now & b4 that, I was about 30 lbs lighter for a couple yrs & I think in my head I'm still at that weight. I was still fat but about 2-3 sizes smaller than I am now.

I have no idea how I got 2 eating only once a day. I guess it's cuz I like to eat so much of something when I like it that I just kept eating more & more & eventually I was eating so much at one sitting that I just wasn't hungry for the rest of the day. I think it was also the Topamax. I was taking that 4 a while-for anxiety-but it's used for a lot of things, 1 of them being weight loss. It's a very effective (at least 4 me) appetite suppressant. It was a nice side effect, except that instead of eating less I just ate til I was completely stuffed & felt full for hours & hours. I mean like I would eat @ like 12 or 1 or 2 & still feel full at midnite. The only reason I prolly didn't gain a ton is becuz for my Ambien to work, I need 2 take it on an empty stomach & surprisingly, being hungry doesn't really bother me unless it's like 5 or 6 & I haven't eaten yet. I'm more bitchy when I'm tired or when my feet hurt. When my feet hurt, don't even talk 2 me. For some reason, my feet hurting makes me bitchier than anything else in the world.

I'm really just hoping I can lose some weight b4 I go 2 Costa Rica in April. I really don't wanna look fat & disgusting on the beach altho my superadorable niece will be with us so I can always pretend she's mine & that I just have baby weight to lose. If only I was kidding....