Stuff

OK I might be a little Ambiened up now but I always this of shit 2 write after I turn my computer off. So this time I decided 2 turn it back on I just wanted 2 talk about my mood swings. They're very annoying. 1 second something will wash over me & I feel so happy like I love every1 & a couple seconds later it'll be gone & I'll wonder what the hell I was thinking a couple seconds ago. Sometimes I have horrible anxiety where I just want the world 2 end so I don't have to sit here anymore. 1 of the things I really hate about myself is my tendency to be annoyed by little noises. Like, little repetative noises or loud noises, of course, or hearing the TV or people talking or cooking downstairs. God, I sound like an old lady but I get very annoyed very easily. That gives me major anxiety. Knowing there's things I need 2 do really ramps it up. As I may have prolly mentioned, I'm a huge procrastinator. The things I procrastinate the most on are when I have to call someplace or someone. I HATE having to call places. Even tho they can't see u, I know this, I'm just so afraid of sounding stupid. When I finally actually do call someplace that I need 2, I rehearse it a million times, then pick up my phone & try to breathe then dial the #, close my eyes & breathe again, then press send & when I hear that ring in my ear my heart starts pounding & I literally pray 4 voicemail. It's easier 2 leave a message 4 some1 rather than actually talking 2 them & having 2 respond & shit. Of course, then that could require them calling u back & answering my phone isn't 2 much easier than making calls. I usually end up playing phone tag with every1.

A friend of mine wanted 2 come over 2day with her son & her son's father. Well, I didn't know about the son's father part til right when she wanted to come. I met him like once & he didn't seem that nice & the thought of having someone in MY house that I barely know was just 2 much so I said no. Actually, I said I was tired, which I was but if it was just gonna be her & her son, I might've been ok with it.

Besides being afraid of people, I'm also very possesive of my stuff. I think this is partly becuz I was the only girl with 2 brothers so I didn't hafta share that much. I always had my own room (altho we did all sleep in my big bed a lot) & obviously my brothers didn't wanna sit there & play with Barbies & Cabbage Patch Kids so all my stuff was just mine. So when some1 is in my space, touching my stuff, I can't be calm 4 a second. What pisses me off more than anything is when some1 picks something up 2 look at it then puts it down somewhere else. Is it really that hard 2 remember where it was 2 fucking seconds ago???? Whew hadta breathe there 4 a min. I usta have a friend who would constantly do that she was so damn stupid. Buuuuut anyway...I like to be alone a lot, I like my space 2 be my space & my stuff 2 b my stuff.

Speaking of being alone.....

I've read about a million times how people need social interaction to be happy & all that crap. I always thought it was just that, crap, cuz I like to be alone & I much prefer texting over talking on the phone. But I realized the other day I get really depressed when me & my best friend, who are basically just texting friends now-I know it's weird-don't talk 4 a day or something. So I was like hmm maybe that's true. As much as I would absolutely hate 2 admit it. I still like 2 be alone tho. I don't like 2 hafta put on a bra & underwear & clothes & fix my hair & blah blah blah... The second I get home from wherever I just was, the 1st thing I do is change in2 my pjs. I just like 2 be comfortable. And wearing a bra with these huge boobs is NOT comfortable.