Living With Mental Illness

My New BF

2011-12-05T23:40:00.000-05:00

After 6 1/2 yrs of being single, I finally have a boyfriend again. I met him on FB (facebook), altho he's aquaintences with 1 of my friends. We're moving a bit fast. We became "official" the day after we met, we already had sex, & yesterday we had our 1st fight. I don't even know how 2 be in a relationship anymore. I catastrophize everything & constantly wonder if the happiness he gives me is worth all the jealousy & hurt that inevitebly goes along with a relationship. He's been coming 2 my house but he got pulled over & it's a far drive & all that crap so he wanted me 2 come 2 his house which I'm very scared 2 do cuz I've never been there & he has 2 roommates. I actually explained this all 2 him-I told him like everything, actually-but I know u can't really understand unless you've felt it 2. It seems stupid & crazy 2 other people. It was my idea 2 become "boyfriend/girlfriend" (LoL that sounds so incredibly elementary school but w/e) & now I'm wondering if I rushed in2 it 2 fast. But we have this connection & I don't think I've ever had more in common with anyone in my life ever than I do with him. He already said I love you which normally would send me running 4 the hills-saying it that fast, that is-but I dunno I think he's confusing love with infatuation or just strong feelings. I've thought it 2-I love you-but would not dare say it yet. Cuz I don't know him that well yet. I like him a lot. I don't like how much he seems 2 sleep but I mite be able 2 get over that. We'll see how much he can get over. I have a lotta issues.

I hate this but part of the reason I don't just tell him I can't do this or w/e & break up with him is cuz I would feel so damn stupid. I told EVERYONE about him & if we broke up after like 5 days I feel like I would look so incredibly stupid which is 1 of my biggest fears.

I do feel like we were meant to meet & I kinda feel like Torri (my friend who died in May) sent him 2 me & my tarot cards are saying stick with it but I'm so goddamn impatient!! I know, tarot cards, but I swear 2 God they're almost always right. I'm always shocked at how accurate they are. And they're telling me 2 be more empathetic & 2 think with my heart instead of my head, which I try 2 never do cuz I don't wanna get hurt again. I seriously don't think I could take it. After all the shit I went thru with Joe-the whole fucking reason I was single for over 6 yrs-I just could not take more heartache. I told Jason & I'm dead ass serious--if it doesn't work out with him I'm done. Done trying 2 find someone. I'll find a way 2 have a baby on my own someday becuz I cannot take the emotional pain of another relationship ending. It took me a very long time 2 get over Joe. It always takes me a long time 2 get over people, it has my entire life. So I'll either try girls or become a cat lady. I dunno if being a lesbian would be any better-people are still people-but u never know.

I hate waiting. But there's nothing else I can do so maybe I'll just go 2 sleep so 2morrow can be here.

Family Bullshit

2011-11-22T22:46:00.000-05:00

I'm so fucking sick of all this family drama & my mom being "on my side" 1 day & then changing her mind the next. If I thought the fucking world revolved around me I WOULDN'T EVEN FUCKING BOTHER TRYING. How many goddamn times do I hafta say it??? Oh about a billion cuz she can't remember shit. Yeah, I take things harder becuz of my APD but I still feel like I'm being blamed & attacked. And if I wanna say FUCK becuz I'm FUCKING PISSED, I'm going to. Why the FUCK am I here??? Life fucking sux & I wish I would just have the balls to kill myself already.

Oh, I didn't say something exactly the right way that u want me 2??? FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!! Everything I do is wrong, nothing is ever good enough, all I ever do is fuck up everything. Oh u got an 89 on ur Spanish test? Why wasn't it at least a 90? I'm fucking perfect so why aren't u??

South Beach #2

2011-01-13T17:38:00.000-05:00

OK. Since kind of starting South Beach I've realized a couple things. 1-I really hate to cook. 2-I've spent so many years eating 2 the point of being completely stuffed that I seriously don't know what it means 2 just not be hungry but not full/stuffed. It's been a week & I lost 4 1/2 lbs but for like a month b4 I started I was eating whatever I wanted cuz I knew I was starting & I thought it would be the end of happiness. So I gained 10-12 lbs. So I'm glad I'm 4 1/2 down but not exactly celebrating. Another thing I've realized is that South Beach is just not gonna work 4 me. I know, I barely gave it a chance. Maybe if I had a personal chef I could do it but I think I'm gonna try more to focus on portion control, which is really what matters in the end. Like 2day, I got Burger King but instead of my usual medium w/a Dr. Pepper I got a small w/a Diet Coke. Baby steps right? I know I'm gonna have setbacks & frustrations & days where I sit there & eat a whole raw pie crust by myself (gross, right? I know, but so good.) but as long as I don't go back to my old cheese fries & blue cheese/donut/Oreo/mozzarella stick/chocolate/chocolate/chocolate once-a-day eating ways, I'll be OK.

"John"

2011-01-13T01:25:00.002-05:00

I was watching Celebrity Rehab & Janice Dickinson started talking about something that happened to her & it made me realize how much I need to get this out even tho I'm pretty sure it's not gonna help me much, if at all. It just makes me feel so alone.

This is the story of "John".

"John" is not his real name but to protect his identity I've changed it to something nice & common. Whenever I talk about this, I call it "The 'John' Thing". I guess I don't really know what else to call it. The Time I Barely Remember But Has Permanently Traumatized Me? That Shit That Happened When I Was An Age That I'm Not Even Sure Of? Anyway.... (breathing.....) John is someone who I am close to. When we were young something happened. I don't remember how old I was-I think somewhere between 6 & 9-but I remember I had these Smurf pajamas that were hand-me-down. If I ever saw those pajamas again I think I'd have the worst panic attack of my life. But anyway, John was 3 years older than me. I don't remember how this started but somehow we ended up experimenting (??) on each other. I'm assuming he saw some kind of porn somewhere & wanted to know what the big deal was about. I, being as young as I was & him being a person I loved & trusted, went along with it. Even liked it. That makes me cringe & it feels like someone is stabbing me in the stomach when I say that. But there it is. I didn't know any better. I have a vague memory of him saying not to tell anyone but I can't be totally clear on that. I remember very little (THANK GOD) but the little things I do are pretty specific & haunt my brain & pop in there at random occasions, whenever it feels I need some torture. I have no idea how long it went on for or how many times, I'm assuming because my brain is trying to protect itself. I also don't remember when I realized this was "wrong". I put wrong in quotes because.......well I guess because it wasn't some malicious, violent act that was forced upon me. But it was still, well, not normal.

This has been very confusing & angering for me. Confusing because this person is someone I love & want to be happy. Angering because it seems to have affected my life so greatly & his not at all. Which makes it more confusing because I want him to be happy so why would I want it to affect him?? I also feel that no one understands this. I would not describe this incident(s) as being molested. Yes, sexual things happened, but they were not forced upon me. It would be easier if I could hate him & blame him & if it was some horrible, forceful thing. Then there'd be support groups & other people who understood & I could lay all the blame on him.

I've found out that at least 2 people I know have gone through something similar. Except it didn't affect them like it has me. WTF is wrong with me??? I don't know how much different my life would've been if this had never happened bit I'm willing to bet a lot. The things I've done & the way I am are like the typical signs of an abuse victim. Except I'm not. So where do I fit? I don't really care about fitting, I just want someone to UNDERSTAND!!!!! I feel like the only person in the world this has ever happened to that has been so profoundly affected by it. And I don't know why. I wish I could be like those other people I know & brush it off as childhood experimentation, like it probably was. I don't know why I can't & just like Janice was saying, I'm afraid that I will never get over this. Cuz it's already been at least 20 years. I just don't know if I should even bother trying anymore.

Stuff

2011-01-10T23:11:00.000-05:00

OK I might be a little Ambiened up now but I always this of shit 2 write after I turn my computer off. So this time I decided 2 turn it back on I just wanted 2 talk about my mood swings. They're very annoying. 1 second something will wash over me & I feel so happy like I love every1 & a couple seconds later it'll be gone & I'll wonder what the hell I was thinking a couple seconds ago. Sometimes I have horrible anxiety where I just want the world 2 end so I don't have to sit here anymore. 1 of the things I really hate about myself is my tendency to be annoyed by little noises. Like, little repetative noises or loud noises, of course, or hearing the TV or people talking or cooking downstairs. God, I sound like an old lady but I get very annoyed very easily. That gives me major anxiety. Knowing there's things I need 2 do really ramps it up. As I may have prolly mentioned, I'm a huge procrastinator. The things I procrastinate the most on are when I have to call someplace or someone. I HATE having to call places. Even tho they can't see u, I know this, I'm just so afraid of sounding stupid. When I finally actually do call someplace that I need 2, I rehearse it a million times, then pick up my phone & try to breathe then dial the #, close my eyes & breathe again, then press send & when I hear that ring in my ear my heart starts pounding & I literally pray 4 voicemail. It's easier 2 leave a message 4 some1 rather than actually talking 2 them & having 2 respond & shit. Of course, then that could require them calling u back & answering my phone isn't 2 much easier than making calls. I usually end up playing phone tag with every1.

A friend of mine wanted 2 come over 2day with her son & her son's father. Well, I didn't know about the son's father part til right when she wanted to come. I met him like once & he didn't seem that nice & the thought of having someone in MY house that I barely know was just 2 much so I said no. Actually, I said I was tired, which I was but if it was just gonna be her & her son, I might've been ok with it.

Besides being afraid of people, I'm also very possesive of my stuff. I think this is partly becuz I was the only girl with 2 brothers so I didn't hafta share that much. I always had my own room (altho we did all sleep in my big bed a lot) & obviously my brothers didn't wanna sit there & play with Barbies & Cabbage Patch Kids so all my stuff was just mine. So when some1 is in my space, touching my stuff, I can't be calm 4 a second. What pisses me off more than anything is when some1 picks something up 2 look at it then puts it down somewhere else. Is it really that hard 2 remember where it was 2 fucking seconds ago???? Whew hadta breathe there 4 a min. I usta have a friend who would constantly do that she was so damn stupid. Buuuuut anyway...I like to be alone a lot, I like my space 2 be my space & my stuff 2 b my stuff.

Speaking of being alone.....

I've read about a million times how people need social interaction to be happy & all that crap. I always thought it was just that, crap, cuz I like to be alone & I much prefer texting over talking on the phone. But I realized the other day I get really depressed when me & my best friend, who are basically just texting friends now-I know it's weird-don't talk 4 a day or something. So I was like hmm maybe that's true. As much as I would absolutely hate 2 admit it. I still like 2 be alone tho. I don't like 2 hafta put on a bra & underwear & clothes & fix my hair & blah blah blah... The second I get home from wherever I just was, the 1st thing I do is change in2 my pjs. I just like 2 be comfortable. And wearing a bra with these huge boobs is NOT comfortable.

South Beach

2011-01-06T20:36:00.001-05:00

I started South Beach 2day. So far, I have cheated with a whole shitload of chocolate covered coffee beans. I ate them more becuz I was so damn tired than for my desire for chocolate & they didn't even wake me up at all. But other than that delicious mishap, I did pretty good. It's weird eating more than once a day. For some strange reason, I have confidence in this. I don't really like to have confidence in anything so I can avoid disappointment. But this just feels different. I'm not gonna be too optimistic tho cuz I feel like when I'm optimistic about anything I'm always let down. I just wanna sleep better & feel better & stop worrying that 1 day I'll get diabetes & stop looking at myself in pictures wondering who the hell that fatass is. I obviously will not say what I weigh but I've stayed at this weight for about a year now & b4 that, I was about 30 lbs lighter for a couple yrs & I think in my head I'm still at that weight. I was still fat but about 2-3 sizes smaller than I am now.

I have no idea how I got 2 eating only once a day. I guess it's cuz I like to eat so much of something when I like it that I just kept eating more & more & eventually I was eating so much at one sitting that I just wasn't hungry for the rest of the day. I think it was also the Topamax. I was taking that 4 a while-for anxiety-but it's used for a lot of things, 1 of them being weight loss. It's a very effective (at least 4 me) appetite suppressant. It was a nice side effect, except that instead of eating less I just ate til I was completely stuffed & felt full for hours & hours. I mean like I would eat @ like 12 or 1 or 2 & still feel full at midnite. The only reason I prolly didn't gain a ton is becuz for my Ambien to work, I need 2 take it on an empty stomach & surprisingly, being hungry doesn't really bother me unless it's like 5 or 6 & I haven't eaten yet. I'm more bitchy when I'm tired or when my feet hurt. When my feet hurt, don't even talk 2 me. For some reason, my feet hurting makes me bitchier than anything else in the world.

I'm really just hoping I can lose some weight b4 I go 2 Costa Rica in April. I really don't wanna look fat & disgusting on the beach altho my superadorable niece will be with us so I can always pretend she's mine & that I just have baby weight to lose. If only I was kidding....

Shitty

2010-10-29T12:41:00.000-04:00

Well, I finally moved out of my shitty Lovejoy apt in2 a shitty Tonawanda apt. It's one of those things where u move in2 a place then realize everything that's wrong with it. For starters, my couch wouldn't fit up the f'ing stairs so now I hafta give it away. The heat is loud as shit when it comes on, the windows don't line up so I can't lock them, the doors are impossible to get to stay closed cuz the doorknobs are old & dumb, there was a problem with the electricity in my bedroom, my shower is so small I can't even rinse my hair without hitting my elbow on the door, there's sooo little storage in the bathroom & kitchen, & those disgusting little bugs I had in my kitchen at my other place that I thought I was getting away from were all over the cupboards. Yes, I looked at this place b4 I moved in & I saw it was small but it's different when you actually move in & realize Shit this place is reeally small. And my parents are just making it worse. My dad doesn't get my depression & just yells at me for being ungrateful. My mom doesn't wanna hear my bitching cuz "she's so sick of anger" but she's the one I call to talk about everything. I guess not any more. I have a year lease & even if I didn't what the hell am I gonna do, move out when I just moved in & go through all the Belmont (rental assistance) shit again? This whole entire new apt process was such a pain in the ass, which is why I procrastinated on it for so long. I knew I was gonna be stressed moving in here but I didn't think it'd be this bad. And I still have some stuff at the old place. Aaaaand the fucking door slamming omg!!!!!!!!! I dunno if the girls downstairs really like to slam doors or if it just sounds like it cuz u can hear everything here but it's extremely annoying. The only thing I'm happy about so far is that I don't hafta deal with those goddamn trains anymore. And I like this neighborhood. But I'm not happy. And my parents telling me 2 just get over it is really pissing me off. Pissed then depressed then pissed then depressed, it never ends. If Sylvia didn't say that when you kill yourself u hafta come back 2 this fucking hell hole & do it all over again, I'd prolly do it. I just can't see myself ever being different or happy. I hate myself I hate everything.

School & Other Stuff

2010-08-31T00:01:00.000-04:00

School started 2day. My 1st real day out in public without glasses or contacts. Oh yeah, btw, I had laser eye surgery on the 19th, bout a week & a 1/2 ago. My dream finally came true!!!! Well, I'm still having some issues but they should go away in a couple weeks. My eyes r just being stubborn, like myself, & taking a little longer 2 heal.

I made a friend 2day! LoL I'm such a loser. But yes, I made a friend. I already took my Ambien so I'm not gna write 2 much now. I have a new primary (dr) 2. I think I like her. She wants me 2 do South Beach so I bought the book & we'll see how that goes....kinda scared. Hmm I think I'm hearing things that means it's time 2 lay down I'll write more...some time. LoL...

Obstacles

2010-07-06T13:18:00.000-04:00

I'm a well-known pussy. I'm afraid of everything & everyone. So when I finally get the balls to do something, it's kind of a big deal for me. I made a list of (small?) goals with Elizabeth to try to accomplish. Then we decided on 3 things I should do. Baby steps. I had to call & make a dentist appointment, call apartments so I can get out of this hell hole of a neighborhood, and start trying to eat better & use the treadmill. As hard as getting off my ass to use my treadmill & not stuffing my face every day is, calling places is like 10x harder for me. I don't really know why. I just don't like talking on the phone & if I have to call someplace to make an appointment or get information, even if I have the whole conversation rehearsed in my head like crazy, sometimes I just freeze when I hear a voice on the other end of the phone. I know, it's weird cuz they can't see me & in person I don't get nearly as nervous. So I procrastinate & procrastinate & procrastinate til it's a year later & I've only gone & seen 1 apartment & I'm still in freakin Lovejoy. But when I finally do decide to call places, it seems like so often, something happens where I'll hafta call back or something doesn't work out. It's like the universe is laughing at me saying, "Ha ha now you hafta do it again, dummy." Like I finally called a new doctor to make an appointment cuz I'm changing my primary. But their computers were down so I hafta call back tomorrow. I finally call the dentist but she's not there on Tuesdays. I finally call apts but they're already taken or they're too much $.

When I have this list of things to do, I really get overwhelmed. Even if everything on it is some small thing. I pretty much like having nothing to do, even tho I've been getting bored lately, which totally sux. I wish I could just snap my fingers & grow up & be responsible but unfortunately it doesn't work like that. Like Elizabeth keeps saying, I'm a hard case, I'm oppositional-defiant, it's gonna take a lot of hard work to change. But I really want to. As much as I love sitting around in my pajamas all day....

My Mother's Sister

2010-06-30T17:22:00.000-04:00

I wrote this on my MySpace blog & I might be getting rid of my MySpace so I wanted to make sure I still had this. I wrote it on November 15, 2007 & I was explaining why I strongly dislike my mother's sister, whom I do not call my aunt any more:

I just really need 2 get some things off my chest. I’m not even gonna make a big boob joke there. My fucking aunt is a FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!!! Shall I state the reasons?

1~When me & my brothers were kids, she would never baby-sit us cuz she doesn’t like kids. OK so maybe she woulda been a bad baby-sitter, who knows, we never will, but we were her fucking nephews & neice.

2~She has always CLEARLY favored my brothers over me. My older brother is her godson, yes, but that is no excuse. She says it’s because I was an ungrateful gift receiver. Oh excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, I’m sorry that a little kid didn’t know how 2 properly say thank u 4 a shitty ass present that SUCKED cuz u never got 2 know me well enough 2 know what I liked!!!!

3~She ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS jumps 2 these STUPID ASS conclusions. Example: last year or earlier this year, I don’t remember exactly when it was, I was at my parents’ house & so was the bitch & I was in the living room watching Groundhog Day, texting my friend Jen (about how much I can’t stand my aunt, in fact) & she comes in & asks what I’m watching, so I look up from my phone & say (apparently quietly), "Groundhog Day." Weeeeeeeeell the BITCH didn’t hear me or even apparently see my lips move (I guess she’s not only deaf, but also blind, must be all the pot she still smokes) so she automatically ASSUMES I’m ignoring her instead of maybe, oh I dunno, thinking she just didn’t hear me or something & proceeds 2 act like an immature child & sits down, grabs the paper, & sez "I can ignore people 2." in a snotty little voice. My mom didn’t even believe me at 1st when I told her she said that. And 2 make this 1 even worse, my mother either doesn’t believe that I really answered the fucking bitch or she just can’t remember that I keep telling her I did. Believe me, I would have no problem admitting it if I was ignoring her. None, whatsoever. I completely ignored her over there on the 4th of July & actually the rest of the day that day. So if I was, which, I really had no specific reason 2 at that time, I would have said I was. And I certainly wouldn’t have looked up, I just would’ve acted like she wasn’t there. That’s how I roll. And I guarantee if the same thing happened with 1 of my brothers, there’s no way she would’ve jumped 2 the same conclusion.

4~She’s 1 of those people that thinks she knows EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING. She went 2 Trocaire 4 nursing like ummm a million years ago, never even had a nursing job I don’t think, but she still thinks she knows everything about the medical profession. And she thinks EVERYONE & their mother should go in2 nursing & of course go 2 Trocaire. My friend Jen (my brother’s girlfriend, actually), goes 2 D’Youville 4 nursing & every fucking time my aunt sees her she just HAS 2 tell her how she should transfer 2 Trocaire cuz it’s soooooooo much better. Hmmmm seems 2 me she never went 2 D’Youville so how the fuck would she know??? And it’s not just nursing, of course. It’s pretty much every subject in the world. And she’s never wrong of course. GOD FORBID!!!

5~Now, this next 1 may not seem like a big deal 2 some people but it was really the whole meaning behind it that made it a big deal. She didn’t send me a birthday card this year. She has never, ever forgotten. But this year, she tells my mom she "forgot." BULL MOTHER FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!! I know, KNOW 4 a FACT that was a lie. I KNOW. Now, I know, some of u are saying, she’s getting older, maybe she really did 4get. But trust me, I know her & I KNOW she did it on purpose. Which leads me to 6.

6~She’s a liar. Enough said.

7~This one kinda goes along with 2. Her husband, my Uncle Tim, has a nephew named Greg. My brothers have both met him numerous times. I never have. Also, my aunt apparently has a cabin somewhere around here, I’m not sure exactly where. Why am I not sure where, u ask? Cuz I’ve never been there, yet both my brothers have, once again numerous times. I’ve never even been asked.

8~She can never, ever, ever admit that she’s wrong. See 2--notice that I am the wrong 1, not her.

So now comes the dillema of Thanksgiving this year. 1st my mom said she would tell the bitch she couldn’t come cuz I’m more important, but now, I think cuz of my dad, she’s saying I should just get over it, basically. Well, ya know what? I’ve tried 2 get along with her. Many times. It never works. So fuck it. I don’t need her in my life & Thanksgiving really isn’t that important 2 me so if she’s gonna be there, I won’t be. And on Christmas, I’ll just get a little drunk & tell her off. Hmmm my parents would get really pissed.... OK so maybe I won’t do that. It’s really hard 4 me 2 be fake (which I still maintain is a good thing), that’s why I can’t just go & suck it up. So I dunno exactly what I’ll do. But I know I will not just sit there & pretend I can actually stand her.

Life Sux

2010-06-06T01:51:00.000-04:00

This whole "situation" has gotten so fucked up. I don't really feel like going in2 details but instead of getting better, it's just gotten worse. When this 1st happened in March, everyone was on my side, knowing what they did was fucked up. Now suddenly, I'm the one at fault. I feel like no one is ever on my side. That's why it was so great to actually have my parents acknowledge that I didn't do anything wrong cuz that rarely happens. But now since I'm still mad about it, it's all on me & I'm "causing tension in the family." I can't even express how much it fucking pisses me off when my mother sez that. Like I'm this huge fucking problem. That's all I ever do is cause problems. And I get mad at her & all she sez is "Oh, why now?", like she doesn't even care any more if I'm mad. She'll never try to talk to me when I'm pissed. Sure, I prolly wouldn't respond or I wouldn't be nice but would it be so fucking hard to just TRY??? Does anyone in the entire fucking world care if they don't talk 2 me?????? Yes, Grace does. She's the only one apparently. I'd be lost without her. I might be dead without her actually. She needs me & my babies need me but they're the only ones. The only ones who have kept me alive. I'd actually rather be dead. But unfortunately, I believe what Sylvia sez that if I killed myself I'd just end up right back in this hellhole with the same circumstances & hafta do it all over again. I'm NOT living another fucking life on this Earth. I dunno why the hell I was stupid enough to come back again this time. I really wish I hadn't. If you're not spiritual or don't believe in heaven or reincarnation u prolly think I'm crazy, & ur right, I am but not cuz of those beliefs.

I'm dying for an app't with Elizabeth. She has a lotta clients so I hadta wait a long time this time. I go on Friday. This fucking shit is like running my life right now. I was watching SNL a minute ago & laughing at it & I realized I hadn't laughed in days. That's really weird 4 me. I laugh at everything. But this fucking shit with my brother I just can't take it. He insists it was his idea. And knowing (thinking) it was him hurts even more. I'm not supposed 2 take that personally??? I'm paranoid????? Oh, he wanted to take a trip with his wife. This wasn't some goddamn fucking random trip. They were going to meet my niece for the 1st time. That was FUCKED UP & they don't even think they did anything wrong. He doesn't seem to get that. We weren't going to fucking Darien Lake or camping or some shit, which I'd never do anyway. Yeah, I got to go by myself. So not the point. When he told me that he didn't know I was gonna end up going & neither did I. Sure, maybe I hold grudges a little too long, but that's not gonna change anytime soon.

Sometimes I really think all my mom cares about is appearances. As long as everything looks fine on the surface, is doesn't matter. What matters to me is the TRUTH. There is NOTHING more important in the world 2 me than the truth. Honesty. And I didn't even realize that til my 1st serious bf started lying 2 me all the time. It's definitely true that u don't know what u have til it's gone. My last 2 bfs lied 2 me aaaaaaaaaaall the time. It made me realize how important honesty is.

I was reading something in Psychology Today about how a lot of researchers falsify their data & I was shocked. I guess I still have some naivety in me. I don't understand why, if you're testing something, trying to learn something, figure something out, why you would then lie about the results. I wanna go in2 research & I would never, never do that. I don't care if I don't like the outcome, I wanna know how things really are & I would never deprive other people of that.

I have so much anger right now & I just don't know what to do about it.

F U Medicaid

2010-05-31T03:37:00.000-04:00

In case I haven't mentioned b4, I have major sleeping problems. Can't fall asleep, can't stay asleep, then I'm tired all day, blah, blah, blah. I've tried so many sleeping pills I can't even remember them all. Hmm lemme try. Lunesta, Restoril, Dalmane, Unisom, Nyquil, Tylenol PM, Simply Sleep, Ambien, Ambien CR; I'm pretty sure there's a couple more I'm forgetting. The ONLY one that even kind of works for me is Ambien CR. In case u don't know, the CR stands for Controlled Release, which basically means you get some now, some later even though you swallow just 1 pill.

Now, there is a generic for Ambien (zolpidem tartrate, I believe), but not yet for Ambien CR & I don't think there will be for like 10 yrs or something. Well, Medicaid doesn't like this & there's this thing called prior authorization that a doctor sometimes has to do for a certain med for a certain stupid ass insurance company, which means your insurance has to approve your Rx b4 u can get it. The doctor also has to give a reason, a "code", some kind of # system or something, as to why you need this specific medication. You'd think that once they APPROVED your damn med that that'd be that & you wouldn't have to do it again right? No. Not with Medicaid. Not with Ambien CR. I've had to go through this prior auth BULLSHIT I seriously don't even know how many times. At least 6 or 7. And again right now. That's why I'm awake at 3:30am. Not cuz I wanna be. Cuz last nite was probably literally the worst night of sleep I've had in my life that I can remember so I'm not gonna try that shit again.

I JUST WANT MY DAMN AMBIEN CR SO I CAN SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT because I wanna get high or because I'm addicted or wanna have Ambien sex or w/e people do with it these days. I JUST WANT TO SLEEP. OMG I just wanna sleep. If you've never had sleep problems you couldn't possibly understand the torture that this is. If something else worked OBVIOUSLY I would use it cuz it wouldn't be such a FUCKING PAIN IN THE ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, did I 4get to mention that every time I hafta do this prior auth bullshit it takes like 2-4, 5 weeks to get it? How many god damn times do they need to hear that I've fucking tried everything else & nothing mother fucking works????

See, this is what sleep deprivation does 2 u....

Title Change

2010-05-27T00:46:00.000-04:00

I decided to change the title of this to Living With Mental Illness (actually the 1st time, I spelled mental "mentall", duh) cuz well, 1st of all most people think SAD is Seasonal Affective Disorder, which I think technically it is, & 2nd I have a buncha crap so it makes sense to have a more general title.

MDD

2010-05-26T23:04:00.001-04:00

OK so I love acronyms. As anyone with Major Depressive Disorder probably knows, even when you're on meds & in therapy, u can still have depressive episodes, which really sux. I am having such an episode. I guess I could say it started Monday but it got bad 2day. I don't really know why. U rarely do. But for one, my mom's not here 4 me to talk to cuz my parents are in stupid Africa again. And things with my brother aren't exactly great & I usually talk to him a little more when my parents are gone.

I thought my fridgerator was broken 2day & I think that's maybe when it started. I just hadta deal with my landlord-who I do not like-becuz my water heater broke then I thought I was gonna hafta deal with him again & he seriously would've blamed me if the fridge was broken. He would've acted like he was joking but he wouldn't really be. I could not deal with his crap again so soon. Fortunately, it wasn't broken but when I was totally stressing thinking it was, I couldn't call my mom or dad or text my brother....I felt so completely alone. And I like to physically be alone but this was different. There was just no one I could freak out to.

Then it probably didn't help that I watched this thing on panic disorder and the chick reminded me of myself a little and the way her family was talking to her was just pissing me off. Her one son said he felt like she was "over exaggerating" which isn't even a word, stupid. But I get really aggravated when people who have never experienced mental illness think it's not real or that people do it for attention or shit like that. And sure, some people do. But most don't.

What I wouldn't give to be "normal". Having mood swings & panic attacks & being afraid of everything isn't fucking fun. I know it's hard on people around the person who has problems but that person most likely feels guilty already for what she's/he's doing to everyone they love, like that mom. And saying all that shit is NOT gonna make it any better. There's no "snapping out of it". It takes time & work & setbacks & a lot of shit.

Obviously, I've had depressive episodes b4 but that doesn't make each one any easier. When you're in one it just feels like nothing will ever get better & nothing is worth it & why should u care anyway? And then when it's over it's (hopefully) like, God, did I really feel like that? I just cried & cried 2day & I'm not even sure why. I just really wish I could talk to my mom & this shit with my brother is really getting to me. And having a fucking headache every fucking day doesn't help either. I also now feel like every day is a count down to th.......r..t..........I can't say it. I only have 1 year left til that # it's really damn scary. Great my headache's coming back...

I'm a Dumbass

2010-04-28T12:21:00.000-04:00

I worry all the time how I'm making people feel. Sometimes obsessively. Sometimes I'll do or say something & it'll replay in my head over & over & over & over & I can't stop it. I overanalyze to the point of insanity. Why am I bringing this up? I'll tell u....

First, I guess I'll explain my $$ situation. I think it's prolly needless to say that I'm not exactly great at managing $. If I have it, I'll spend it. I love Old Navy passionately & shop there (online, of course) pretty much whenever I have extra $, which is about 3-5x a year. I watch the TLC show Hoarding: Buried Alive & it scares me becuz I see a little of myself in some of those people who compulsively shop. I dunno what I'd do if I had $ all the time. But anyway, I think part of my desperate want for stuff is that I can't just go out & buy stuff whenever I want. If I go to Walmart & buy a whole bunch of stuff I get that little shopping high that so many people get. I love new stuff. And then I can't go shopping again for another 3 or 4 or 5 months. I don't have a job so there's no $ coming in that way. I get $ for school & that's pretty much what I live off of. But as soon as the checks come in, I give them right to my dad cuz I can't be trusted with em. Then he gives me some every month to pay my bills & buy food & stuff. I always run out of food early but hey what are u gonna do? Get a job? Hahahahaha. Ummm....

I have Medicaid, thank God. They really piss me off sometimes but without it, I'd be totally fucked. That's kinda an excuse for me not to have a job. It's pretty fucked up actually. The income limits & stuff. I was getting food stamps but if you're in school, u hafta be working at least 20 hrs a week to get em. So u can either be doing nothing or be doing both. Or just have a job. Pretty fucked up right? Way 2 discourage people from going 2 school.

I digress....OK the reason I'm a dumbass is cuz I paid my phone bill b4 all my $ cleared & could possibly have gotten an overdraft fee (again-I've gotten them many times & I'm REALLY trying hard not to anymore). I paid my other bills then thought, "OK I'm not gonna pay my phone bill til the $ clears." cuz I had about a week left til it was due. Then the next day, I completely 4got all that & paid it. STUPID!!!! Then later that night I remembered & started shitting my pants. My parents get really mad when I get OD fees & I reeeeeally didn't wanna have my dad yell at me again cuz no one can make me feel shittier than he can when he's mad at me. So I called my dad & told him what happened & asked him for $25 to make sure it was all covered.

So back to my point of how I make people feel. I worry all the time that my dad feels I only call him when I need $. I hope this isn't true. I mean, I don't have much to talk 2 him about-I usually talk with my mom-but I try to call sometimes & just talk to him so he knows I don't only call when I need $. The problem with my dad is he's a morning person; I'm totally not. He drives a school bus so he goes to work, comes home, then leaves again. Then when he's home at the end of the day he's pretty much done talking on the phone. Unless it's to my brothers or aunt or uncle about some stupid sports thing. So I only have about a 4 hr window every day & 1/2 the time I'm not even up til he's already left again.

I also worry how I make my friend Grace feel. She's my best friend, my only friend. We pretty much only text. She has a busy life & we both prefer to text. But sometimes I don't know what to say when she's having a problem & I worry she thinks I don't care or something.

I wanna help people. Ironic, right? I wanna help people that deserve it. Yeah, I know that sounds kinda bad or whatever. But I don't wanna help some child molester or serial killer who would never change or not even want help. I know I need to fix myself first. It's just so damn hard.

Schooooool's Out For the Summer!!!!

2010-04-26T22:10:00.000-04:00

Yeeeeah 2day was my last day of school. Of course, I missed it cuz I got lost trying to get there on my way from Elizabeth. Oh well, I'm sure they didn't miss me.

It's so weird how someone else can say something that u already kinda knew but when they say it it makes u realize it. Like, Elizabeth 2day said I don't do anything that makes me uncomfortable. I always kinda thought of it as I just don't do things I don't wanna do. But the way she said it makes more sense. I wish I knew why I did the things I do (or don't do). I dunno if I said this b4 but I'm pretty sure I stopped growing emotionally at about 17. I'm still part-teenager. And I feel like I have so little control over my own life. Maybe that's part of it. I wanna control what I can control so much that I go crazy overboard. I know I need to cut the umbilical cord but I'm not ready. I prolly will be eventually....

My b-day present from my parents this year is to go meet my niece. She's 5 1/2 months old & lives in NC so I haven't met her yet. I'm a little scared about flying by myself but I've done it once b4...12 yrs ago... I'm really more scared about how sad I'm gonna be when I hafta leave. And my parents aren't gonna be here on my actual b-day this year which I'm still a bit bitter about. And if a certain someone doesn't send me a b-day card, I'm gonna be beyond pissed.

I feel like Elizabeth really gets me. Maybe 2 much LoL. She realizes how messed up I am & that it's not gonna be easy 2 "fix" me. And that if it was up 2 me, I'd prolly just stay this way 4ever cuz, ya know, it's comfortable. I don't wanna think about it. Oh yeah that's another thing I do. Live in my fantasy worlds of TV, The Sims, books, etc, so as not 2 deal with life. Who wants 2 deal with life? Especially one like mine.

My RLS has been acting up again lately & I wanna chop my legs off. It's been going in2 my arms 2. So fucked up.....

Sims

2010-04-07T01:49:00.000-04:00

omg I cannot stop playing The Sims 3 ever since I bought it. It's so freakin addicting. I can't wait for Sims 4 hahaha. Buuuuuuuuuuut anyway I ran out of Ambien & was planning on going 2 pick up my refill 2day, if it's even in, I dunno, I have so much fucking trouble getting the shit, but I totally 4got cuz I was playing the Sims. So I hafta rely on Ativan to make me tired.
I've been weaning myself off my Topamax cuz I'm like 98% sure it's what's caused my memory to be so bad. I was taking 2, then 1 1/2, now just 1 & I was getting dizzy for a couple days, which is a side effect of detoxing. At least I can do it gradually. The only thing that sux about it is it keeps me not hungry altho it's not like I've lost any weight but I haven't gained any either so we'll see what happens...
20 more days left til the last day of school woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!! & I've barely started my paper. Altho I'm writing it on something I'm very passionate about so it shouldn't be 2 hard.
OK I'm starting 2 go thru Sims w/d. Time 2 get back.

Elizabeth the 2nd

2010-03-25T23:05:00.000-04:00

I had my 2nd appt with Elizabeth 2day. I felt more comfortable and she looked me in the eyes less. She said I'm a "hard case" LoL. I agree. I told her that I wanna help people and she said I need to help myself first. Which I knew. But it's so much easier to fix other people than urself. I'm really hoping she can help me figure out why I don't wanna go to school/work so much. Cuz I really don't know. I mean, part of it is the social anxiety but I don't even think that's most of it. I really really really don't know why. I just like staying home....? My next appt is April 9th.

I registered for Fall 2day. I wanted Abnormal Child Psych but it was filled so I hadta get Health Psych instead but I'm hoping Ab will open again b4 it starts. I have all my classes on MWF & I have no idea if that's gna help me miss less but I'm really hoping it will. Still haven't found an apt of course. And that problem I talked about in my last post got slightly worse & I have a LOT of anger inside from it. Anger turns in2 depression, which is just what I need.

I just wanna stay home all day every day & play The Sims & eat Kashi frozen pizzas. Is that too much to ask?

Uh-Oh Elizabeth

2010-03-23T17:54:00.000-04:00

I finally got a new shrink. She's actually a CSW (Certified Social Worker) but I will be referring to her as my shrink cuz it's easier. Her name is Elizabeth & she likes to make eye contact & it makes me extremely uncomfortable. Well, all the shrinks I've seen have made eye contact, I think they're supposed to but I don't like it. But then again if they didn't I might think they weren't paying attention to me. Oohhhh I just can't win, can I? She said she's not sure she thinks I have SAD, so she's crazy. LoL, no j/k she just has to get to know me better. I have no doubt that I have it. My next app't is Thursday. I'm really gna need it considering how incredibly motherf'ing pissed I am right now. There's a situation going on with some family members-make that A family member of mine & I literally-seriously-have never been more angry in my entire life. Not even when I found out my ex-bf was cheating on me with practically the entire city of Buffalo. I've been debating whether to write about it on here cuz it might make me feel better but I dunno if I should put it all out there. Prolly not. At least for now. I'll just say that I really hate fake people-that is, people who act a certain way in front of ur face but are in reality a completely different person-& someone I know (and love) needs to grow some balls.

OK now that I've said that, I shall speak of the miracle that occurred last Friday. I spoke in class. I almost crapped my pants then died but I guess I didn't cuz I'm still alive. I dunno if I've mentioned that both my on-campus classes this semester have about 400-450 people in them, which obviously for someone like me is pretty much torture. So I sit in the very front on the very end so I can't see all the people in the room & can escape quickly. Well, on Friday in Developmental Psych we were talking about babies' babbling & their 1st words & she asked if any of us knew our 1st words, if they were something other than mama or dada. So I, even to my own surprise, raised my hand & told her my 1st word was "Uh-oh. I don't know if that counts." 7 whole words. Whew!! Scary. Yes, my 1st word was uh-oh. I think it was pretty foretelling of my life to come, LoL. There've been other times where I've wanted to say something in class, mostly ask a ? but I've been too afraid of sounding stupid or my voice cracking or just not coming out at all. Both those things have happened to me b4. Not really since high school but still....

Well, I bought The Sims 3 the other day & I've been not playing it for about 15 min. now so I'm starting to go through withdrawal I better get back.

Not Much To Say I Guess

2010-03-11T20:47:00.000-05:00

I'm on Spring Break this week & it's going by waaaaaaaaaaaaaay 2 fast. It's great not to have to leave the house. I don't like going outside. Even to get the mail. I always think people are looking at me. I really wish I could just make myself invisible. I desperately wanna get out of this apartment 2 cuz I hate my landlord & this neighborhood but it's really super incredibly hard 4 me to call places. I know it doesn't really make sense-what in my head does?-but calling places is even harder for me than facing people. I really don't know why. I'm so afraid of sounding stupid, of freezing & not knowing what to say, of stumbling over my words. Which I do. I dunno why it's worse on the phone. That's why I love the technologies of today, especially e-mail when it comes to having to contact people I don't know but sometimes u have to call & I pretty much just don't. It takes me weeks, sometimes months to make doctor appointments, unless I feel like I'm dying, I've been wanting to get outta this hell hole for 5 or 6 months but I've called maybe 3 places. Sure, I look at the paper every week & circle places but I just can't get myself to call them.

Well, it's almost time for Grey's and I have a horrible headache that I've had all day-what else is new-so I'll end this now. Hopefully I'll think of more to say soon.

Some Things I Go Through

2010-02-21T14:54:00.001-05:00

OK now that I've defined it, I guess I'll tell y'all (I'm not southern I just love that word LoL) some of the things these disorders make me feel.

Obviously, I'm very uncomfortable when there's a lot of people around that I don't know. Actually, even if there's a bunch of people that I do know, I'm still uncomfortable. I feel like they're thinking bad things about me or that I look stupid or that I'm the only one that doesn't belong. Being fat obviously doesn't help this. And yes, I am really fat, overweight, whatever, I'm not just like every girl who thinks she's fat but really not. There's no way I'd say my weight on here LoL but according to my BMI I'm obese. I'll just say that. And I do not have a significant amount of muscle weight sooooo yeah. Anyway, being in such a big school now is kind of like torture sometimes. My 2 classes that I have on campus are both in huge 450-seat lecture rooms so I sit in the very front so I can't see all the people behind me. I also sit on the very end, by the door. I guess so I can escape easily? Before I even realized that I did this, I did it. Sat by the door, on the edges of the room.

Class isn't the worst part though. The worst part is walking in the building & having to walk past all the people sitting there. Um ok lemme try to explain that better. First of all, I'm always obsessively early. I guess I always wanna be the first to walk in so people don't look at me. So when I get there I hafta sit out in the area outside the classrooms where there's a buncha chairs & some benches where there's always people-quietly-sitting. There's occasionally a chair left & I grab it cuz the benches are super uncomfortable. But this whole act of walking into that room or whatever you wanna call it & having to look around & walk to the chair & take my coat off & sit down & get situated.....omg it's horrible. My heart just started to race just thinking about it.

I've had Social Anxiety for a long time and it was really bad before but I take Paxil for it & it's definitely helped. LoL believe me, I used to be a lot worse. The fact that I can even go to school is amazing. Unfortunately there's no drug therapy for Avoidant Personality Disorder & that's the really hard one....

Every time I read the diagnosing criteria it still amazes me how much it descibes me. (1) Avoiding situations because of a fear of rejection--I am TERRIFIED of rejection. I know, a lot of people are afraid of it but, like, with my last boyfriend, I would never even try to kiss him first because I was afraid he'd reject me. After a year or 2 of being together. (2) I've said since high school that I can't take a chance unless I absolutely know someone likes me. Because of the whole fear of rejection. (3) I don't think I'm ever afraid of being shamed or ridiculed in a relationship. If I really get to know someone, I can pretty easily be myself. (4) Preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social sitiuations. Well, obviously. LoL (5) Feeling inadequate. Lately, I've been thinking about being in a new relationship (I haven't had a bf in almost 5 years. The last one wasn't exactly the best relationship. Add my fears onto that aaaaaaaaaaaand.....) and I just keep thinking I have nothing to offer anyone. I also have trust issues but that's a whole different story. (6) Socially inept, personally unappealing, inferior to others. Ooohhhhh my. I didn't realize this til I was in my 20s but I always kinda chose people I felt superior to in one way or another to be my friends. Because there are so many people I feel inferior to. I'm very uncomfortable around people I feel inferior to. I feel like they know & they're judging me. (7) Unusually reluctant to take risks or engage in new activities because they may be embarassing. Well, being embarassed is like the cornerstone of SAD so yeah.

When I was in elementary school I used to blush all the time. Every time the teacher called on me. And just sometimes outta no where. It was horribly embarassing.

One of the worst things of these disorders for me is the way they've affected my relationship with my brother. If you read my earlier post on being fat, you'll see that he used to call me "Fattie" which so many people say is just "normal" sibling taunting but it always stuck in my head. Well, one of the features of APD is hypersensitivity to negative evaluation. Obviously, no one knew this when I was a kid. It's just that the bad always sticks out more than the good, ya know? And I just don't remember that much from my childhood. I remember crying at the dinner table. A lot. Because someone hurt my feelings. OK getting off point here. Me & my brother have never exactly been close & that always bothered me. I always felt like siblings were just supposed to be close. Then finally when I was crying about it for the millionth time, my mom explained to me that just because we're siblings that doesn't mean we have to be close, like her & her brother aren't. So that helped that except that now-& I really don't know why-I overanalyze every single thing he says to me. I drive myself insane. I really only text him, like I do with most people. The only people I'm comfortable talking to on the phone are my parents. But every single message he sends me (or doesn't send) I'm always wondering what he's thinking. Is he annoyed that I texted him? Does he think I'm just some hopeless loser? When he doesn't answer it's 100x worse. Then I'm sure I've annoyed him & I picture him checking his phone, seeing it was me, & getting mad & being like why is she texting me? I know, it's weird. I know it doesn't make sense. A lot of things in my head don't.

OK I think it's time for breakfast now. Yeah, it's like 3 but I didn't get up til 1:45. Bye for now.

4got something on that last one.....

2010-02-20T14:16:00.000-05:00

I meant to mention this in that last post--Avoidant Personality Disorder is NOT the same as Dependent Personality Disorder, although they seem very similar in some ways. Here's DPD:

Diagnostic criteria for 301.6 Dependent Personality Disorder

A pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to submissive and clinging behavior and fears of separation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others

(2) needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life

(3) has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval.

Note: Do not include realistic fears of retribution.

(4) has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)

(5) goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant

(6) feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself

(7) urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends

(8) is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself

Although I would definitely die without my parents, I've realized I don't have this. I definitely prefer to be by myself than with other people.

Defining Social Anxiety Disorder--for those who don't know

2010-02-20T13:33:00.006-05:00

OK I'm just gonna write this like people are actually reading it.

For anyone who doesn't know what Social Anxiety Disorder/Social Phobia actually is, here are the diagnosing criteria from the DSM-IV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fourth Edition, Text Revision):

Diagnostic criteria for 300.23 Social Phobia

A. A marked and persistent fear of one or more social or performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others. The individual fears that he or she will act in a way (or show anxiety symptoms) that will be humiliating or embarrassing.

Note: In children, there must be evidence of the capacity for age-appropriate social relationships with familiar people and the anxiety must occur in peer settings, not just in interactions with adults.

B. Exposure to the feared social situation almost invariably provokes anxiety, which may take the form of a situationally bound or situationally predisposed Panic Attack.

Note: In children, the anxiety may be expressed by crying, tantrums, freezing, or shrinking from social situations with unfamiliar people.

C. The person recognizes that the fear is excessive or unreasonable.

Note: In children, this feature may be absent.

D. The feared social or performance situations are avoided or else are endured with intense anxiety or distress.

E. The avoidance, anxious anticipation, or distress in the feared social or performance situation(s) interferes significantly with the person's normal routine, occupational (academic) functioning, or social activities or relationships, or there is marked distress about having the phobia.

F. In individuals under age 18 years, the duration is at least 6 months.

G. The fear or avoidance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition and is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., Panic Disorder With or Without Agoraphobia, Separation Anxiety Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, or Schizoid Personality Disorder).

H. If a general medical condition or another mental disorder is present, the fear in Criterion A is unrelated to it, e.g., the fear is not of Stuttering, trembling in Parkinson's dsease, or exhibiting abnormal eating behavior in Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa.

Specify if: Generalized: if the fears include most social situations (also consider the additional diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder)

Wow that's funny, I just now for the 1st time saw that last part but when I learned about Avoidant Personality Disorder last semester I was like, oh yeah, that is definitely me. Here's the criteria for APD:

Diagnostic criteria for 301.82 Avoidant Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

(1) avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection

(2) is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked

(3) shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed

(4) is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations

(5) is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy

(6) views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others

(7) is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

Every single one of those describes me perfectly except #3. Yeah, it sux.

So in case you didn't see, I'm a psych major. I wasn't last semester, I just started at a new school this semester but when I took a couple psych classes at my other school I realized how much I loved it & knew it was what I really wanted to do. So I got my AAS Paralegal degree but am not really planning on doing anything with it now. I've actually been interested in psychology for a long time. I thought about majoring in it before but I didn't think I was smart enough. I've realized that I'm a lot smarter than I used to give myself credit for. Shhh don't tell my mom I said that LoL.

But anyway....if you have SAD (I know, SAD is actually the acronym for Seasonal Affective Disorder but I'm gonna use it for Social Anxiety Disorder anyway) or you know someone who has it but you haven't been diagnosed, you might just be really confused and angry and depressed like I was. You don't wanna go places and deal with people or how you feel around people but you don't understand why and no one else does either and they just get mad at you. When family comes over your mom tells you to "be social". I got that one a lot. I still do. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere, not even in my family. That might come from the APD, I don't know.

I've always known I felt like this, always felt like I was different but I never knew why. Then 1 day, maybe 5 or 6 years ago a friend I had at the time calls me & says there's this article in the paper about this thing called Social Anxiety Disorder & that it sounded exactly like me. She read it to me & it was like ding ding ding ding ding!!! It was such a relief to know that it wasn't just "Kathie being Kathie" there was actually a name for this thing. Of course, that didn't make the symptoms go away but at least I knew if there was a disorder that explained it there must be other people somewhere that were like me. Not that I could ever meet them because we're all afraid of each other LoL. But I actually do know someone with it-my best friend's (fraternal) twin sister.

OK this is getting a little long & I titled it Defining.... so I'll end this one now. Hopefully someone will actually read it & get some help from it.

My SAD

2010-02-20T10:53:00.000-05:00

Even though I'm pretty sure no one reads this I'm thinking about changing it to My Life With Social Anxiety Disorder & writing about that. Maybe somebody will stumble upon it & know they're not alone or maybe it could even help them. And maybe it could help me to "talk" about it too. I've never been very good at following through on things though so I might like do it for a week then 4get about it. But maybe I'll try it....

.......................

2010-01-02T12:25:00.000-05:00

I HATE SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being Fat

2009-12-31T15:30:00.000-05:00

I just read an article on binge eating & it said something about traumatic food experiences as a child. I mean, yeah a lot of things do go back to ur childhood & it made me think. I've always thought that my brother calling me "Fattie" all the time could definitely have something 2 do with how I feel about myself, even tho some people just write it off as siblings being mean 2 each other like they always are. I'm not trying 2 say that's the only reason I'm fat but I definitely think it had an effect on me. Among other things. There's these little moments I remember & if they didn't matter, why would they stick in my mind? Like when my mom took me shopping for jeans at Hills & I had gone up to a size 13 from an 11 & she said, "That's as high as u go." When I had a pink Miss Piggy toothbrush & my dad & brother started calling me Miss Piggy. And like I said, my other brother calling me Fattie repeatedly. Of course none of them realized what they were doing 2 my fragile brain but like I said, if these things had no impact on me, I really don't think I'd remember them so vividly.
I've always somewhat frustratingly resisted authority & I think that has something 2 do with it 2. My mom's skinny so I'll be fat. They want me 2 lose weight? I'll gain it. I have never once thought these things conciously, that would be seriously stupid, & I absolutely HATE that I am the way I am but I'm so stubborn that I'm even stubborn against myself. It's very aggravating. Rebelling against urself doesn't really sound possible but trust me, it is. 2 me it just seems like I eat what I eat becuz it tastes good & I like food but who knows. The only emotion that makes me wanna eat is stress. I really wish I could just get myself 2 get off my fat ass & exercise but just that word "exercise" makes me cringe. LoL. God, it's so bad. Maybe someday.....

UB

2009-11-23T23:55:00.000-05:00

I found out last week I got into UB. Yay. I'm happy I'm just freakin exhausted. There's so much to do, filling out all these damn forms & finding a new apartment-which I'm thrilled about cuz I hate where I live now but it's a pain in the ass-going to orientation by myself (!!!!).... And the thing that's stressing me out the most right now--I ordered some books on DID from Amazon for a paper I hafta do for school that's due 12/8 & the maillady said she delivered em but I never got em which apparently means they were stolen or something. Seriously, who steals books on DID??? It's stressing me out like fuckin CRAZY. I doubt they'll send me new ones & even if they do I'll be stressing like crazy about those coming & they'll take so damn long I'm gna have like no time to write my paper. LoL not that I don't procrastinate like crazy anyway. At least we don't have any psych work this week. But I do have a paper due Tues. that I only wrote 1 sentence on so far. And I'm so damn addicted to the Sims I play it like aaaaaall day but hey what did I do b4, watch TV? I wish I could talk to my mommy : ( they won't be back til Friday. LIFE IS JUST ONE BIG PAIN IN THE ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it never gets easier. In fact, it just gets harder the older you get. More responsibilities, more worries, more things to do.... It fuckin sux.

Things make me angry sometimes.....

2009-11-09T01:31:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I just can't stop thinking about all the unfairness in the world & how bad people get away with so much shit & I try not 2 think about it cuz when I do I can't stop & I dwell on it & dwell on it & I just wanna go do something about it I wanna scream it 2 the world I wanna scream in every1's faces what the hell is wrong with u??? Why don't people understand, why don't they listen, why don't they care??? Why do some people only care about themselves?? How could a mother abandon her child, how could a father beat his son to death, how could a mother care so little about her son's asthma that she would let him sit in a smoke-filled trailer with her sex-offender husband while they sit there & light up cigarette after cigarette while the little boy is crying that he can't breathe??? WHO THE FUCK DOES SHIT LIKE THAT????? And then 2 justify their own miserable, POINTLESS existences, they take a good person & find the little tiny mistakes they've made & blow them way outta proportion 2 make themselves feel better. This world is so fuckin FUCKED UP & I just can't wait 2 leave it.

Ambien is my Loverrrr

2009-10-29T03:10:00.000-04:00

I wanna write a blog about my views on Religion so I don't hafta keep explaining them. When it comes up I can just say Go there!!! But right now I'm incapable of doing that sooooo I shall 2morrow, possibly. If I finish some other HW. Did u know Ambien makes u hallucinate? It's a little weird but u get used 2 it. & my cup it taunting me. Stupid cup. Wow if Grace could only see inside my head right now......she'd be bored hahahahahahahahaha but amused. Dammit it's just 2 fun 2 b awake now. OK no it's niteynite time niteynite world I love you David Boreanaz & Jared Leto & Johnny Depp & John-Paul Lavoisier & Chelsea Handler

Biological Clock vs. Adjustment

2009-10-24T00:08:00.000-04:00

Interesting episode of Medium. Well, they're all interesting, of course but this one was about babies & I thought it was funny what Scanlon said to Allison in the beginning about for women when u have a baby ur automatically a mother but for guys it's an adjustment. Of course, I know that's not true in all cases. But I was thinking more about how for (most?) chicks, u have that burning, uncontrollable desire to have a baby & be a mother no matter how poor, rich, fat, skinny, smart, stupid, healthy, sick, or mentally unstable you are. We can't help it. It's literally in our DNA. It's the whole reason the world goes on being populated. I guess maybe we do still have some primal instincts in us, which like totally sux. We're not cavemen anymore. Seriously, I don't need this extra fat on my stomach just cuz I have a vagina. My legs reeeeally don't need to grow hair cuz I can guarantee the most time I'm gonna spend outside in the winter is about 1 min. at a time. Less if I can help it. *yawn* bedtime

God Invented Coffee For A Reason

2009-10-23T09:40:00.000-04:00

I slept 4 like maybe an hr last nite. If I think about it 2 much I'm gna get really pissed at Medicaid so this is gna be pretty short. Stupid benzodiazepines don't do shit 4 me. Sometimes they make it worse, actually. And then I hafta get up 2 this crap outside. Have I mentioned yet how much I hate Buffalo? Cuz I really really really really really really really really really really really really really hate Buffalo.

☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮

2009-10-23T01:35:00.001-04:00

I don't like having conflicts with people. I could definitely say I fear conflict, in most cases. That kinda stems from my social anxiety disorder. Altho I do enjoy a nice debate or 2. LoL. God, I'm so old. But if the person I'm disagreeing with is someone who's more than an aquaintence but not quite a friend I kinda just try 2 ignore it cuz I'm very opinionated & believe very, very strongly in my opinions so I get pretty passionate (= bitchy) & I don't really know how 2 do that with some1 who's in between those stages. I say this cuz this is kinda happening 2 me right now with some1 & it's making me really uncomfortable. When she sez stuff that pisses me off I wanna go on & on but I guess by now I've learned that u can't change some people's minds no matter how bad u want 2 or how hard u try. So I just ignore it. I wish she'd do the same.

I REALLY wish people would stop critisizing Obama. These people piss me off soooooooooo fucking much ok ummm I could go on 4ever & get really mad right now but I'm gna stop myself.

See what I was talking about? I can't believe I'm turning in2 my dad, in this sense. Whenever he would start about politics when we were younger we'd all be like oh great there he goes again but now I join in (well, it's pretty impossible 2 interrupt him, actually) or I do it myself. U always say u'll never be ur parents & then 1 day u turn around & realize u r. But at least I have 2 wonderful people 2 turn in2. Whether they love 2 rant & rave about politics or sing extremely annoyingly in the morning......

Thank you, Dr. Doug Speedie

2009-10-22T03:02:00.001-04:00

OMG. I am so incredibly pissed. As anyone who follows me on Twitter or sees my updates on Facebook or MySpace will prolly already know. I was just calming down after a semi-shitty day, watching my beloved Chelsea Lately when she brought up a story about a 4-month old baby from Colorado who was DENIED health insurance for being too fat. Yeah, u read that right. I'm still trying to calm down. I'm soooooooooooooooooo fucking irate holy shit I really seriously need 2 calm down......... Fuck that deep breath shit that doesn't work. Who cares about me calming down this is totally completely UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!

1st of all, the kid (Alex) weighed 17 lbs @ 4-months old, which is NOT EVEN OVERWEIGHT. It's at the top of the healthy weight range & he is also 25 in long, which is at the top of the height range. Here's a pic of the little cutie:

What a little fatass huh? Funny, my brothers were both as least this chunky when they were babies. And hmmm they grew up to be the skinny ones.... But that's besides the point. It is totally & completely unethical to deny a child health insurance, in ANY circumstance!!!!!!!!!!

Here's some superawesome things Rocky Mountain Health Plans, the company who denied him (who, by the way, "...understand Colorado. [and] ...understand you."), have to say on their web site. Here is part of their Mission:

"We take the initiative to improve...the health of our communities by...providing excellence in service...and staying true to our tradition of putting people before profits."

People before profits huh? That's a laugh coming from any insurance company but especially from this one.

And here's some of their great Values:

"We are respectful, compassionate, and fair.

We are catalysts for continuous quality improvement.

We believe that the quality of our relationships shapes our future."

Compassionate & fair??? I think they need to invest in some dictionaries.

Yes, I can tell how great their quality of service is.

I sure hope so. Cuz after this, ur fuuuuucked : ) At least I hope so.

I suppose I should point out that they have since granted little (YES, little) Alex health insurance, of course, after all this came out in the media. BUT, there's a catch! Not for him, he gets his insurance (for now, at least). But if you'll notice in this letter, they're careful to say specifically that they will cover HEALTHY babies. Which means what, if your child happens to be born with CP or Down Syndrome or a heart defect or nystagmus or a freakin allergy, they won't be covered?? Here ya go:

http://www.rmhp.org/pdf/RMHP_to_Cover_Heavy_Babies.pdf

And here's the link to their site in case u wanna see how deceiving assholes can be or if u wanna write them a nice little e-mail:

http://www.rmhp.org/

Also, here's a link to an article about little Alex:

http://www.denverpost.com/ci_13530098

So anyway, thank you, Dr. Doug Speedie, medical director at RMHP, for showing America how bad we need health care reform because of assholes like you and your company!!

Dreams, Dreams, Go Away

2009-10-21T17:01:00.002-04:00

OK so I keep having dreams about a certain person from my past who I really very strongly do not like. I can actually say I hate this person. I think it has something to do with these sleeping pills I'm taking in place of my Ambien for now. They keep making me dream about people from my past. Cuz the last 3 torturous nights I've dreamt about this person & they will not leave me alone!!!! They are haunting my dreams!!! I'd just rather say they than he or she cuz only 2 people know who I'm actually talking about & I'd like to keep it that way for now. Well, actually I'd tell Jen & LD too but aaaaaaaanyway.....

In my dreams I always hate this person & I'm trying to hurt them about 75% of the time. Usually it's one of those things where I can't move fast enough so I'm trying to punch them but I can't cuz my arm can't swing fast enough but last night was great, I actually beat the crap outta them altho they got me in the eye once. LoL yeah I know, I'm seriously crazy. But anyway, I was telling my mom about it & I was saying how much I wish this person would stay the hell outta my dreams & she said I needed to forgive this person (for myself). And I said how the hell are you supposed to forgive someone when you hate them so much??? And then I was thinking about it when I was peeing (yup) & I realized I wasn't completely sure why I hated this person so I'm gonna figure that out right now.

The 1 reason I do know - this person is a disgusting excuse for a human being and the world would be a much better place if they were not taking up space on it or breathing the same air that actual humans breathe.
I don't wanna be too specific on this one but let's just say they always went after things they didn't want just because I did.
Betrayal. A lot of betrayal before I even knew they were like that & a ton after.
This person has f'd over a LOT of people.
That one person. I think that's what pisses me off the most. How could I ever in my life forgive that?????
I'm sure this piece of trash stole from me. God only knows how much.
Being a bad influence is so not cool. And then not even caring about it....
Just thinking about this person grosses me out. The way they walk, talk, move, sleep, breathe, do everything. Ewww. It's just disgusting. Gross, gross, gross!!!!!

I don't like people who aren't good people. I'm not saying I'm Mother Teresa (altho I do have the same Jung result as her LoL) but there's people like her, then people like me, then things like this person. Scum of the earth. Too good for you to spit on. Too good for you to shit on. Altho that would be extremely fun to do. Just something that doesn't deserve to be called a person, but a thing, something that should be put out of its misery (and mine and many others') so the world can breathe a sigh of relief. Great, now I know there's gna be another dream 2nite after bringing all this up. I was clenching my fists thinking about #5. Still am. So maybe this was a 1st step in getting past this cuz I am SICK of dreaming about this bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (BTW, I use bitch & asshole unisexily so that didn't really give away anything.)

Up Way 2 Early 2day

2009-10-21T11:11:00.001-04:00

I sleep like crap. Pretty much always. But especially bad the past couple nights cuz Medicaid is a bunch of assholes & once AGAIN they need some pre-approval crap b4 I can get more Ambien. A G A I N. This is like the 6th or 7th time. At least. How many times do those dumbasses hafta hear that I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING ELSE I'VE DONE A SLEEP STUDY & NOTHING ELSE WORKS???? Not sleeping really makes u crazy. Literally. When I'm tired, I'm extremely bitchy. Well, when I'm exceptionally tired. Cuz I'm pretty much always tired. Speaking of which, I think I'll get more coffee now & go put my blanket in the dryer.....................OOOOOKKK my life is prolly 2 boring 4 any1 2 read about. I am pretty weird tho. I moved my bed in2 my living room a couple months ago. I just needed a change. And I made the bedroom the kitties' room. So at least the poo smell is confined 2 that area. Pretty much. I'm allergic 2 cats. But I love them & they're easier & cheaper than dogs so I have 2. 4 now I hafta live vicariously thru my brother & sister-in-law with my puppy nephew. He's sooooo cuuute I love him & he likes 2 bite my ears & lick my entire face. OK I'm totally new 2 this blogspot thing so I guess that's all 4 now.